Growing Inside Me

The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.
– Jill Churchill

The above quote says it all. My boyfriend and I just recently found out that we are expecting a little one. He already has two children then and doesn’t really want another, at least right now. It is safe to say that this little one wasn’t planned and was a in the heat of the moment oops. I will never treat him/her like a mistake though.

In previous posts I have talked about the abortion that I had and how it really traumatized me and took a long time to get over. My boyfriend isn’t a jerk and I am at a place in my life where having a child wouldn’t be overly difficult. Being a single mom will suck if it comes to that though. I thought about another one but I just know that I couldn’t handle that mentally again and I feel bad because he really wants me to get one. He keeps saying that he isn’t trying to push me, he’s just telling me the facts and things to think about and what not but its like hes being manipulative and doesn’t get it. I feel like he thinks if he puts all these thoughts into my head that it will scare me and I’ll do it.

I love him and will love this baby. I’m scared that I wont be a good mom and everything else but I am going to make it work. I can do it some how. This little thing growing inside me is a scary thought but a blessing at the same time. The above quote is going to be very true. This is going to be an exciting but terrifying experience.

You don’t tell people do you?

 “We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” – Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth am I here for?

 

My past is a part of me and I will not be imprisoned by it! I have made the choices I have made and not all of them were the smartest or the most wise but I have healed, learned, and am working on moving forward. I am not the same girl that I once was all those years ago. It may have take a lot of struggles and even more hardships but I am here. I am a girl near graduating college who once thought she wouldn’t and who knows what she wants in life. If I were to hide my past and let it control who I am I would not be nearly as effective or passionate about what I want to do in my life. 

Like I have said in previous posts my mother, while supportive of the abortion thinks of it as a deep, dark secret, that nobody should ever know. She thinks she is protecting me by making this clear as day but all she is really doing is making me feel like I should be ashamed of who I once was. I got into an abusive relationship, he threatened my life, she asked if I wanted an abortion and at that moment I did and I went through it but I don’t think I really wanted it. I can’t let that eat at me or some day when I have children who knows how it will effect me.

Abortion, the word of anger, hatred, judgment, disbelief, and the darkest secret I hold.

In the past couple of weeks a few of my blog posts have had to do over this topic and its because some how it keeps getting brought up. I started seeing someone new and he came home to meet my family this weekend. Well this morning my mom and I were sitting upstairs talking and I had asked her opinion of him and all that, which was very good. She absolutely loves him, which makes me happy because I love him. Well then we are sitting in the chairs up in the more formal living room and she looks at me and asks if I had heard anything about the would have been baby daddy. She asked this because the last time I had heard anything it was on Facebook’s, North Iowa Mug Shots page. My sister saw his picture go across and it was for aggravated assault of his spouse at the time. This was when I really knew that I could start healing because now everybody knew that I wasn’t lying about the abuse I had gone through. I said that I hadn’t heard about him at all then she turns and looks at me and asks, ” You don’t tell people that do you”? Well not thinking I asked her what she meant and she just gave me this odd look and I knew she was talking about my abortion. I told her no.

My abortion is a part of me. It is something I went through, something I continue to struggle with sometimes, and just a part of who I am and why I want to do what I do. If it were not for that life event I don’t know if I would be in the major that I actually am in. If someone doesn’t like me for my past, which would be things I have gone through then they probably shouldn’t be in my life as a friend or significant other. Does that make sense? We all have demons, some of us just more than other, more severe then others, or an abundance of not bad demons but they are still there. Some of us are okay with hiding them, but if I hide it, it eats at me. It starts to consume my life. It has taken a lot of work for me to get here but here I am.

So I guess what I am getting at people is if you have had something happen to you, whatever it may be or you have gone through something in which you suffer from cognitive dissonance (the struggle over a choice made), then let go. I know its hard but it can’t consume you. It doesn’t have to be a deep, dark secret. You don’t have to tell people but once you own it and accept it as your own it is amazing how much better you feel about yourself and the progress you can make in healing.

 

15 Minute Hello

Trapped.

Sometimes that is what I feel. I can talk and hang out with my friends but I feel trapped. There is this person inside of me dying to get out sometimes. This person with a rough past who has turned into an amazing woman. This person who wants people to know her for her past and who she has become now. A person who feels like she has to hide it all because its not okay to be who she is or to have the past that I do.

The minute people hear “I have a rough past” they automatically assume I’ve been in legal trouble and that is not it at all, but then once they hear the real story they just treat me as if I’m damaged and broken. Yes there are parts of me that still have been effected by my past but only bits and pieces and I have come a long way in the healing process. I try not to let my past define who I am now. Do I have PTSD mildly yes, it takes affect in anxiety problems I have. But its nothing I’m medicated for because I have learned to cope and know my triggers. There is always going to be some problems when you go through a lot at once.

My whole life was kind of rough but that last two years of high school were probably the worst and then my freshmen year and part of sophomore year of college. But I figured it out and started the real healing process and have come a long way.

Everybody judges but make those judgments after getting to know the person a little bit. You never know what a person has actually gone through if you never ask and don’t get to know them. I have been the girl on that end of the stick and its not enjoyable. You just want people to like you for who you are now and recognize that yes you have a rough past but you turned out okay and look at where you are now. Just like the girl with the smile always on her face who everyone thinks is perfect and has the perfect life could come from a family with problems and be afraid to let anyone in.

People are really not all that difficult or different from one another. We all go through trials and tribulations just some worse than others. We all make mistakes at some point and have to pick ourselves up after being thrown off the horse. It is all those things that make us, us. It is all those things that make us realize what we want in life and who we are. It is those things in which teach us in life to make better choices and allow us to relate to other people.

If you took 15 minutes out of your day to talk to someone who may seem alone or look down, or just somebody new in general you might be quite surprised to find out how much you have in common or just even brighten their day. At work on lunch break? Ask somebody if you can sit with them and strike up a conversation if they allow it. I wouldn’t have the wonderful friends that I do today if it hadn’t been for encounters that were by chance.

 

Solitude

Image

Frozen lake in South Dakota. Solitude can be a wonderful thing. Peace of mind and all. Picture by T. Smith

How is it that in a room full of people one can feel so utterly alone but then when actually by themselves in the solitude of their mind, nature, and a good book one feels not alone and very much at peace?

This tends to be the case with me, especially when around my family. I am the black sheep there is no doubt about that. I have a rough past that most of my family can’t even begin to grasp or understand and so I have a different mind set then them and sit there and observe. I observe a family that acts like everything is okay, like nothing has ever happened and feelings aren’t hurt. I watch a family where a lot of the relationships are built on lies or half truths. Every family may have skeletons in their closets but mine seems to have more than most. Some of that is my fault because my mother felt like we couldn’t tell people about the two things she does know about in my life. That or that once it has been dealt with we can’t talk about it anymore.

I think that is the hardest part for me, I know it was when I was trying to heal over my abortion. I needed someone to be there for me. I needed someone to tell me it would be okay and I did find that, but in the wrong places, and that ended in an abusive engagement. When someone tells you to keep a part of you a secret, even if they think its for your safety or to keep you safe its hard. I felt like I was a horrible person because of what I had done. She wouldn’t let me even talk to her about it so I was closed up inside myself, beating myself up. Wondering and asking all of the what if’s to myself.

Being able to let it all out and realizing that yes I hate when people bash abortion and its uncomfortable for me is my fault. But talking about it is healthy. Talking about it can help others. When I found my mentor in college, a college professor over a paper on cognitive dissonance it was the best thing to have ever happened to me. She told me her story and I knew I wasn’t alone. When you go through something traumatic you always know that you aren’t alone, yet at the same time you can still feel utterly alone. Knowing that you aren’t alone can help you heal, knowing someone is there for you where you can speak openly and get advice from someone who has dealt with it and coped helps.

When I write blogs like this or one of my very first ones over what happened to me I know there are people who read it and think the worst of me but if my situation taught me anything is that yes you can have beliefs over something and think a certain way about things and judge people but until you are put in a situation where you have to make some of those hard choices you honestly don’t know what you would ever do.

I wouldn’t change anything from my past. It has made me who I am, brought me to the path I am at in life of helping other. It has showed me what I want to do in life and what I deserve in life.

Sometimes I have learned the solitude a person experiences when being alone is for the best or when curled up with a good book, even just sitting looking out over a frozen lake. We need those times to compose and think and realize that who we are is okay.

Life will always be as okay as you let it be. If you let the bad control you then you could be miserable for a long time. Wounds heal and leave scars that are reminders but that is all they are. They don’t control who we are or who we can be unless we let them.

“Disney” Dad

I have a “Disney” dad. What is a Disney dad you may ask, well it is a dad who wants none of the responsibilities of being an actual dad, but if he can have fun with the kids or party with them he is right there.

The minute my dad no longer had to pay child support, which he acted like was beyond painful, he quit doing anything that a normal father should have to do. My father really knows nothing about me, he never really has if I think about it long and hard. As a child my father was never really around because he was traveling for “business” and even once my parents did live together again after their separation he took no attempt in getting to know me.  He found out about my abortion last year and has never even tried to talk to me about it or asked me if I am okay. Which yes, he did find out long after it having happened but still it is odd that he has never brought it up in all the times where we have been alone.

But anyways, my dad doesn’t help pay for any of my stuff, mom and her husband try to but he is more than willing to take us to do small, cheap fun things. My dad quite often says he is broke and doesn’t have the money to help pay for things but then him and his wife turn around and go on serious, expensive vacations. I’m not saying he has to pay for much but if you have a child then their are responsibilities and you should want to be there for them no matter how old they are.

I guess what I am saying is guys it doesn’t matter how old you are if you are willing to have overprotective sex in marriage or out or even plan for a child with your spouse then be prepared for the cost and don’t be a “Disney” dad. Be the dad that your son/daughter can turn to for advice and when things are wrong. Be the dad for your daughter that shows her how men should treat her by how you treat her and her mother. Realize that the responsibilities really never go away, they will always be there and grow to love it. Yes, being a “Disney” dad can be fun for the child but in the end they will lack serious things that other kids had growing up from a dad that was there for them.

Guilt That Haunts Me: Skelleton In The Closet

I think the thing I still struggle with and that haunts me would be something related to the very first post I ever posted in my blog.

At the end of my senior year of high school I got pregnant. This was the most devastating thing, besides the fact that the father was extremely abusive. I was going to go to school and do something big with my life. The father had already started to break me, he was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I slowly became secluded from my family and when I told him I was pregnant it got even worse. (He was a few years older than me)

When he found out I was pregnant it got even worse, when I finally tried to get out of the relationship he would blackmail me and tell me that he would tell my mom because he knew where she worked and I hadn’t told her yet because I didn’t want to ruin my graduation party and stuff because she was so excited. Then after graduation I still didn’t tell her, instead I went to my dads lake house with my best friend Memorial Day weekend so I could avoid my ex-boyfriend (baby father). He called and wouldn’t leave me alone, I was supposed to see him that Monday that I got back but instead my friend and I decided to go to the beach.

That day I finally broke up with him and lied to him by telling him that I had miscarried and that it wasn’t his to begin with. People will think I am a bad person for this but I didn’t know what else to do. I have never cheated in my life and never will but I just didn’t know what to do. He got so mad at me and told me he wouldn’t leave me alone or lose my number because if I was lying he would kill me. My mom finally found out this day and after serious talking we decided I was going to have an abortion.

I didn’t have guilt about lying to him or anything but this choice I have had guilt and struggled with. Cognitive dissonance has been the biggest struggle. My belief was that abortion was completely horrible but it is amazing how that can change when you are put in a situation where you have to decide and way the choices. People will say, “but you had so many options, you didn’t have to have an abortion”. This is true but when weighing everything it just made the most sense. Yes I could have gotten the cops involved with the abuse and when he threatened me but I didn’t. I didn’t want my life to be even more scary and complicated then what it was already. I could have fought for custody but I probably wouldn’t have won and I couldn’t afford it. I could have tried adoption but he never would have signed his rights away, or I could have stayed and if something had happened to our child I never would have forgiven myself. It was a tough choice, I didn’t agree with it and struggled greatly, I had names picked out and everything and just didn’t know what to do.

It took 2 and a half years before I even started healing from the choice I made and that is because of a mentor (professor) I met in college that helped me a lot. I still don’t think abortion should be used as a form of birth control, especially for those girls who just get pregnant over and over again. You need to be held responsible for your choices. But there are cases where it may be used. I struggled with feeling like a murderer and everything but now three years later I am becoming okay, I still struggle but it is a work in progress. I still have questions and wonder where I would be and all of that now. I worry that when I do have children that because of struggling mentally over the abortion that I will struggle with depression or something.

But I am sorry if this offends anybody but it is guilt.

Daily Prompt

Never Will I Ever…..

Yesterday I wrote a blog post about the daily prompt which was to write about your number one influence in your life; tonight I think I am going to write about the one person I hope I am never like. I know it is not very jolly with the holidays and all but its been a rough night and this post just seems to fit right now.

Never will I ever be like my father…

I know that sounds harsh but since I can remember my dad has never been there for me and was hardly there for my family. As I describe this it may seem like I am making it up, like its something you hear about in books or movies but it was my life.

When I was younger my father was never around, he was always traveling for “business” (I will explain the quotation marks later), and just was never hardly home. Then as I got older and we moved to a new town, he moved out of our house for “work”, then once he moved back in my parents started fighting, being little a lot of the time I thought it was about me and a lot of the time it actually was. When they would fight it would be over a plethora of things, sometimes it would be over the fact that he’d put me in holds that were restraints he knew for work and make it so I couldn’t breath, sometimes it would be just because. Then after they would fight he would storm out of the house and yell that he was never coming back and he would be gone for hours on end and we wouldn’t know where he was but he always came back.

Finally in middle school they separated but my parents were trying to “fix” their marriage, then my freshmen year of high school they divorced. They divorced because for the seventeen years of their marriage my dad had, had a million one night stands, on top of his multiple long term affairs. So when he was traveling for “business” it wasn’t really business or if it was there were one night stands.

My father has no empathy for others and it is also how my sister is and that scares me for her, but if something is wrong with others she has no feelings but if something is wrong with her we have to jump to fix it or take care of her. He has disowned me from his life multiple times and pushed his family away so they didn’t know what he had done to end his marriage. He is also a pathological liar and that scares me also. He has rubbed off on my sister in the way that she hates everyone around her it seems like and she has no filter and that is how my dad is and I just don’t want to be like him.

I want to be someone who is completely different than him. I want to be there for my family, dependable, and respectable.