My Number One

My number one person in my life is hard to choose from but I think it would have to be my mom, which I know is very generic but it is true.

My mom hasn’t had the easiest of times since getting married, she is on her third marriage. Her first marriage didn’t end because of anything horrible, he was an extremely nice guy and they had a son, my brother, but they had been high school sweethearts and they grew up and went separate ways. Her second marriage, my dad was a mess. He was always traveling on “business” and even moved out for a while when I was younger. Eventually he moved back in but then they separated and divorced; why did they divorce…my dad had been have multiple affairs for their seventeen years of marriage. Pretty much she had raised three children on her own, with the help of my oldest brother. She has now continued to support us through college and everything and it has been hard. She didn’t always know how she would pay bills or what we would do. She tried to keep us uninformed of what my dad had done and she does have her weak moments, but she has made it through and is now married to a pretty decent guy, he does have some faults but he makes her happy.

My mom is a strong, independent, respectable woman, who sometimes has her melt downs and rough times.

Daily Prompt

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Split for the holidays

Happy Holidays to everyone, today’s post is going to be about living in a divorced household during the holiday seasons.

I am a senior in college this year and one would think that growing up in a family of divorce would be normal and easy by now, especially since my parents have been divorced since my freshmen year of high school, but it isn’t easier, if anything its worse.

Holidays can be a hard time of the year for anyone who live in a divorced family, from parents to the children and everything else. As a child growing up with two different households you have to decide where you will be on what holiday or if you can make it to both places on every holiday. When my parents first divorced they lived a block or two away from each other so we could split holidays almost evenly and get to see both parents. This allowed us to cut one worry out because we didn’t have to worry about the other parent being alone or sad all day because we would get to see each of them. Most families don’t have this option so trying to figure out a schedule can be difficult.

Last year was the first year that  our parents didn’t live near each other because my mom had moved to Minnesota, but we still got to go down because it was 2 hours away and see our dad Christmas Day night. This year though I wont be seeing my dad at all for Christmas or New Years because he now lives in South Dakota and I have to go back down to school shortly after new years in order to work on my internship.

Holidays should be full of fun and laughter and they still are I suppose but as a child this causes a lot of stress. I feel bad that my father wont get to see me at all this holiday season and it is also hard because my parents do not get along at all so even talking to my mom about going and seeing him or feelings is out of the question.

If you are a divorced parent with children that are still young and unmarried please keep this in mind. That even though your child doesn’t show emotions or worry, kids worry about disappointing or hurting parents during the holiday season. There is a whole level of stress added to our lives because we want to make things fair and everyone happy. If they have a chance to see the other parent even though it may take a few hours or even a whole day away from their time with you remember that they need it and the other parent needs that time too. Families should come together year round, but holidays are that one time of year where this should really happen. Also just think about as a parent how you feel when you are not with your child and how that other parent may feel. Being divorced with children isn’t easy for either parent, especially if the children are young, but its not easy for the kids either at any age. We feel a sense of loyalty to both parents and its hard when we can’t split ourselves and be in both places at once.

Wine and Tequila

Do you ever look at a couple and think to yourself, “how are they together”? Have you ever been in one of those relationships yourself? Where its like water and oil, or even wine and tequila where they go together good at first and then all of a sudden you wake up with a bad hangover? Yet you don’t know how to really get out of the relationship because there are good things yet bad things, sometimes the bad aren’t even big bad things, they are just little things that become a huge problem.

The moment you realize this it can suck, especially if you realize that you have to end it. How do you go about ending it, especially if the person is a sweetheart? In these instances its almost that cliche’ of “its not you, its me” I mean what they are doing may be driving you up the wall but with another person it may not. Or when all of a sudden you have been having a rough time of the relationship and it all of a sudden hits you that it wont work and then that exact moment that you realize it comes into mind of what made you realize it.

I am in a relationship that encompasses all of this. We have been together for a little over a month now and you will be like okay well she is making a big deal out of nothing, it can’t be that serious already. But it is for him. He says he loves me already and I don’t feel the same way. We have almost broken up in the past but he makes such a big deal out of it I stay. It makes me feel entirely trapped in something I don’t want to be in. I am suffocating to death it feels like and I have no way out. Its like I am drowning and can see the sun through the top of the water but I can’t get out no matter how hard I try to swim to the surface.

Wine and tequila don’t mix well together. Thursday night was the night that I realized things weren’t going to work between my boyfriend and I. I think part of me knew that this was going to happen, that it just wasn’t ever going to work because we were to different and he didn’t challenge me in life like I wanted. Thursday we went and had dinner with my grandparents and I was talking about how the first weekend in August I have a National Conference for this organization I started on Iowa State Universities campus and how Madee, my best friend and I would be traveling to North Carolina for the weekend, with all expenses paid. I was so excited and the first thing out of his mouth was, “I have family in the town you will be in I could come visit and stay for the weekend.” I didn’t know this right then, but this was the moment I would come to realize we would never work. He doesn’t trust me and what should be a fun, educational weekend was going to become him trying to take it over when Madee and I would want to explore together.

That night a couple of his friends came up and we went out to the bar and one of my friends went out with me and I was determined to get beyond wasted, which I did. But I tried ending it with him at the end of the night and he through a fit. He is older than me and I have never seen anyone act like that. Well it turned into this huge thing, we are still together. He was drunk so he slept in my bed and DJ and I sat out in the living room and talked about our pasts and life until 5, in the morning. We had that night. Where you realize how similar you are, but I know that for me right now I just want to be single so in May when I graduate I can move where ever I see fit and not be tied down, unless something amazing would come along. Now the Saturday morning I was laying in bed and just realized when I knew it wouldn’t work and we have been at my parents house all weekend so tonight or tomorrow we will be over.

I feel horrible because I hate hurting people and I know he wont take it well. I am worried what he will do or say because he just doesn’t handle it well. Anyways enough about me. But to you out there that have been through this I am sorry. Its hard. If you have advice I am more than willing to hear it.

Love Lost

I haven’t written in a while. I have been busy with life, its weird how it goes in waves where one can be so busy they just can’t hardly function, then things slow down. I haven’t quite reached the slow down part yet but hopefully I will soon.

Honestly I think I got into a funk where I could have cared less if I wrote even though this is a huge outlet for me when life happens.

Today I had the benefit of having a wonderful conversation with a 10 year old boy who is blind. He wasn’t born blind, his dad shook him when he was little which caused trauma and the blindness. But for someone who was not always blind and who is so young he is always so happy. We could learn a lot from him. He is 10 and has been through so much but his faith is still so strong. I wish I could keep my faith strong like him through the hard times. He is amazing. I feel like he will grow up to do amazing things and change lives.

On another random thought because this entry is just going to be random is it possible to love someone but never have the chance to be with them? To move on and be dating someone but those feelings always be there, in the back. Its causing me to wonder a lot of what if’s. I got to talking with a guy from my past and we started reminiscing about times past and its like I remembered everything as if it had happened just yesterday and its been over a year. I could remember details, feelings, just everything. I don’t know why, but scientists say that things get stored into your long term memory when they are associated with a strong emotion. I used to think I loved him….but things were to complicated and now we definitely can’t be together. There is no chance of that at all and it is probably for the best. But is it possible? I will never know what could have been, the one chance we had to find out was stolen from us because of an immature girl.

Life is strange and everything happens for a reason. I will try to start writing more. It has been far to long.

Growing Up

“Don’t you find it odd,” she continued, “that when you’re a kid, everyone, all the world, encourages you to follow your dreams. But when you’re older, somehow they act offended if you even try.”
― Ethan Hawke, The Hottest State

I feel as if the above quote is exactly what I am going through right now in my life with college graduation in May and having to find an internship and something I would love to do. My mom is dampening my spirit and bringing me down. I get that  no mother ever wants their child to grow up and move away, but there is a time in which you have to let your child go and my mom is not allowing that. She hasn’t through my whole college experience and this year I have finally come into my own. I know who I am for the most part and who I want to be in the future. I know some what, what I want to do when I am older and graduate so here in a few months. I know that how I lived in the past is probably not helping because I got myself into some hard places and she had to bail me out of them, but I have done a lot of growing and now that I don’t feel as if I have to call her every day or go home every weekend, she is not handling it well.

I found an internship in South Dakota about a half hour away from my dad. She is throwing a fit because I’d be living with my dad and he hasn’t wanted to help out in the past but now that he wont have to pay bills besides allowing me to eat and for gas he is willing to have me more in his life. I think that this is some what true but I also think that when my parents divorced that because my dad had multiple affairs that she just really never wanted my sister and I to have a very good relationship with him. I don’t think that she has been supportive all these years in trying to let us spend more time with our dad and build that relationship. If we ever tried to build that relationship we always got made to feel like crap and like we were betraying her which is what she has been doing to me since last night.

I am going to visit my dad this weekend in South Dakota to see him, their new home, and to celebrate my twenty-second birthday with him. While I am out there I am going to Wells Spring, an outpatient program for youth to look at a possible internship, which if you have read previous posts you know I have pretty much already gotten. I am going to visit them, talking to a supervisor, get a tour, and some paper work. Maybe I will get there and be like, “this isn’t the place for me” But I think so far I would love it and as long as I am out there why not take the opportunity to visit it? So, out of respect for my mom last night I told her that I planned on visiting and I knew it wouldn’t go well no matter what but I did not expect it to go quite as bad as it did.

I knew that she would be upset and hurt because she wants me to be close to her, even though my brother lives in California (he has always been treated differently and not had things as hard as I have with our mom). Well she went ballistic. Tried to lay the guilt on thick and it worked, it made me really depressed and she hurt me pretty good last night. She wont listen to why I am looking at this place, hasn’t asked about the programs there, or even what it is. She thinks I am doing it for the wrong reasons. Well, let me put here that it is the only place I am looking at in South Dakota, other wise I am looking at two in Minnesota, and a ton here in Iowa. She even just admitted that she didn’t have to have me close to home but if my dad is there she thinks I am doing it for the wrong reason. She told me that she has been the only person ever there for me which isn’t a lie but shouldn’t be held over my head; also made it clear that she has taken out a ton of loans to help me get through college. She made it very clear that I pretty much owe her my happiness and life and where I want to be because she helped me through college.

I am sorry parents but you need to let your child grow up. Live their own life and be free and happy. Yes we will still make mistakes but even if I can get a job there after this internship, if I take it, and I only keep it for two years so I can get experience and then I start looking else where, then why wouldn’t I do that? I shouldn’t feel like I am the worst daughter ever because I want to live my own life and do my own thing. It is a suffocating feeling and she is at the moment ruining our relationship over me growing up. She wont hardly talk to me and when she does it is not nice. I think that at some point one needs to realize you have to let go. I even wrote a very nice thing on her Facebook wall today that said:

“Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them – a mother’s approval, a father’s nod – are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

I love you mom and I want you to know that no matter where I end up after graduation it is not me running from you but me just further figuring out who I am and being happy with myself and who I have become. If it weren’t for you and everyone else supportive in my life I would not be at this point in my life in which I feel like I can live my life and be myself and get a job I love and want to do for at least a long time if not forever. It is because of my up bringing through you that I have reached this point in my life and I do love you to the moon and back and this much !———————————————————-! Like in the book you used to read me when I was little. I wont live a million miles away but even if I am hours from you, you will always be in my heart and I will always be great full for what you have given me and shown me and all the support. In May I close another Chapter and start another and I hope that you remain just as supportive then as you have been through all of my ups and downs and mistakes and the hours of frustration I have given you over the years. I love you so much mom.

All that got me was a thanks and I still think you aren’t making this for the right choice. She doesn’t care as long as she is happy then why should her almost twenty-two year old be happy and living her life?

Living With A Stranger

Living with strangers…..good or bad? That is the question.

College has started and I am living in a four bedroom apartment with three girls that I don’t know. Two of them are from Iowa and one is from South Korea. The 3 of us Iowa girls are getting along and we hang out and we really want our roommate from South Korea to spend time with us but if she is home she tends to stay in her room or be with her boyfriend. We are having problems with cleanliness though. Since yesterday at 1 she had left a pot with cooked veggies in it on the stove and when we woke up at eight this morning it was still there. This grosses us out and is not very healthy if she thinks it is safe to put it in the fridge again. It could make her very sick. She has also been flushing stuff down the toilets that shouldn’t go down because it will severely clog them and we have already had to have them cleaned out completely twice and school has only been in session for a week. I was very excited about having an international student as a roommate because I wanted to learn new things about her culture but that is proving to be a limited experience.

The hardest part is the communication barrier. She doesn’t speak much English we don’t think and we just don’t know how to tell her that keeping the kitchen clean and stuff is a biggie, especially if you are leaving food out. We don’t want to get bugs and stuff, but we don’t want to offend her in any way. So advice is welcome on this part.

Other wise classes and work are going well. I am in the process of joining a sorority and everything so it should be a fun year. It is also my senior year.

 

Well I will write again later maybe. I need to do better at writing because even if it is over random stuff it is my outlet so that my depression doesn’t sneak up on me.

 

Have a wonderful day!