Guilt That Haunts Me: Skelleton In The Closet

I think the thing I still struggle with and that haunts me would be something related to the very first post I ever posted in my blog.

At the end of my senior year of high school I got pregnant. This was the most devastating thing, besides the fact that the father was extremely abusive. I was going to go to school and do something big with my life. The father had already started to break me, he was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I slowly became secluded from my family and when I told him I was pregnant it got even worse. (He was a few years older than me)

When he found out I was pregnant it got even worse, when I finally tried to get out of the relationship he would blackmail me and tell me that he would tell my mom because he knew where she worked and I hadn’t told her yet because I didn’t want to ruin my graduation party and stuff because she was so excited. Then after graduation I still didn’t tell her, instead I went to my dads lake house with my best friend Memorial Day weekend so I could avoid my ex-boyfriend (baby father). He called and wouldn’t leave me alone, I was supposed to see him that Monday that I got back but instead my friend and I decided to go to the beach.

That day I finally broke up with him and lied to him by telling him that I had miscarried and that it wasn’t his to begin with. People will think I am a bad person for this but I didn’t know what else to do. I have never cheated in my life and never will but I just didn’t know what to do. He got so mad at me and told me he wouldn’t leave me alone or lose my number because if I was lying he would kill me. My mom finally found out this day and after serious talking we decided I was going to have an abortion.

I didn’t have guilt about lying to him or anything but this choice I have had guilt and struggled with. Cognitive dissonance has been the biggest struggle. My belief was that abortion was completely horrible but it is amazing how that can change when you are put in a situation where you have to decide and way the choices. People will say, “but you had so many options, you didn’t have to have an abortion”. This is true but when weighing everything it just made the most sense. Yes I could have gotten the cops involved with the abuse and when he threatened me but I didn’t. I didn’t want my life to be even more scary and complicated then what it was already. I could have fought for custody but I probably wouldn’t have won and I couldn’t afford it. I could have tried adoption but he never would have signed his rights away, or I could have stayed and if something had happened to our child I never would have forgiven myself. It was a tough choice, I didn’t agree with it and struggled greatly, I had names picked out and everything and just didn’t know what to do.

It took 2 and a half years before I even started healing from the choice I made and that is because of a mentor (professor) I met in college that helped me a lot. I still don’t think abortion should be used as a form of birth control, especially for those girls who just get pregnant over and over again. You need to be held responsible for your choices. But there are cases where it may be used. I struggled with feeling like a murderer and everything but now three years later I am becoming okay, I still struggle but it is a work in progress. I still have questions and wonder where I would be and all of that now. I worry that when I do have children that because of struggling mentally over the abortion that I will struggle with depression or something.

But I am sorry if this offends anybody but it is guilt.

Daily Prompt

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Never Will I Ever…..

Yesterday I wrote a blog post about the daily prompt which was to write about your number one influence in your life; tonight I think I am going to write about the one person I hope I am never like. I know it is not very jolly with the holidays and all but its been a rough night and this post just seems to fit right now.

Never will I ever be like my father…

I know that sounds harsh but since I can remember my dad has never been there for me and was hardly there for my family. As I describe this it may seem like I am making it up, like its something you hear about in books or movies but it was my life.

When I was younger my father was never around, he was always traveling for “business” (I will explain the quotation marks later), and just was never hardly home. Then as I got older and we moved to a new town, he moved out of our house for “work”, then once he moved back in my parents started fighting, being little a lot of the time I thought it was about me and a lot of the time it actually was. When they would fight it would be over a plethora of things, sometimes it would be over the fact that he’d put me in holds that were restraints he knew for work and make it so I couldn’t breath, sometimes it would be just because. Then after they would fight he would storm out of the house and yell that he was never coming back and he would be gone for hours on end and we wouldn’t know where he was but he always came back.

Finally in middle school they separated but my parents were trying to “fix” their marriage, then my freshmen year of high school they divorced. They divorced because for the seventeen years of their marriage my dad had, had a million one night stands, on top of his multiple long term affairs. So when he was traveling for “business” it wasn’t really business or if it was there were one night stands.

My father has no empathy for others and it is also how my sister is and that scares me for her, but if something is wrong with others she has no feelings but if something is wrong with her we have to jump to fix it or take care of her. He has disowned me from his life multiple times and pushed his family away so they didn’t know what he had done to end his marriage. He is also a pathological liar and that scares me also. He has rubbed off on my sister in the way that she hates everyone around her it seems like and she has no filter and that is how my dad is and I just don’t want to be like him.

I want to be someone who is completely different than him. I want to be there for my family, dependable, and respectable.

My Number One

My number one person in my life is hard to choose from but I think it would have to be my mom, which I know is very generic but it is true.

My mom hasn’t had the easiest of times since getting married, she is on her third marriage. Her first marriage didn’t end because of anything horrible, he was an extremely nice guy and they had a son, my brother, but they had been high school sweethearts and they grew up and went separate ways. Her second marriage, my dad was a mess. He was always traveling on “business” and even moved out for a while when I was younger. Eventually he moved back in but then they separated and divorced; why did they divorce…my dad had been have multiple affairs for their seventeen years of marriage. Pretty much she had raised three children on her own, with the help of my oldest brother. She has now continued to support us through college and everything and it has been hard. She didn’t always know how she would pay bills or what we would do. She tried to keep us uninformed of what my dad had done and she does have her weak moments, but she has made it through and is now married to a pretty decent guy, he does have some faults but he makes her happy.

My mom is a strong, independent, respectable woman, who sometimes has her melt downs and rough times.

Daily Prompt

Split for the holidays

Happy Holidays to everyone, today’s post is going to be about living in a divorced household during the holiday seasons.

I am a senior in college this year and one would think that growing up in a family of divorce would be normal and easy by now, especially since my parents have been divorced since my freshmen year of high school, but it isn’t easier, if anything its worse.

Holidays can be a hard time of the year for anyone who live in a divorced family, from parents to the children and everything else. As a child growing up with two different households you have to decide where you will be on what holiday or if you can make it to both places on every holiday. When my parents first divorced they lived a block or two away from each other so we could split holidays almost evenly and get to see both parents. This allowed us to cut one worry out because we didn’t have to worry about the other parent being alone or sad all day because we would get to see each of them. Most families don’t have this option so trying to figure out a schedule can be difficult.

Last year was the first year that  our parents didn’t live near each other because my mom had moved to Minnesota, but we still got to go down because it was 2 hours away and see our dad Christmas Day night. This year though I wont be seeing my dad at all for Christmas or New Years because he now lives in South Dakota and I have to go back down to school shortly after new years in order to work on my internship.

Holidays should be full of fun and laughter and they still are I suppose but as a child this causes a lot of stress. I feel bad that my father wont get to see me at all this holiday season and it is also hard because my parents do not get along at all so even talking to my mom about going and seeing him or feelings is out of the question.

If you are a divorced parent with children that are still young and unmarried please keep this in mind. That even though your child doesn’t show emotions or worry, kids worry about disappointing or hurting parents during the holiday season. There is a whole level of stress added to our lives because we want to make things fair and everyone happy. If they have a chance to see the other parent even though it may take a few hours or even a whole day away from their time with you remember that they need it and the other parent needs that time too. Families should come together year round, but holidays are that one time of year where this should really happen. Also just think about as a parent how you feel when you are not with your child and how that other parent may feel. Being divorced with children isn’t easy for either parent, especially if the children are young, but its not easy for the kids either at any age. We feel a sense of loyalty to both parents and its hard when we can’t split ourselves and be in both places at once.

Wine and Tequila

Do you ever look at a couple and think to yourself, “how are they together”? Have you ever been in one of those relationships yourself? Where its like water and oil, or even wine and tequila where they go together good at first and then all of a sudden you wake up with a bad hangover? Yet you don’t know how to really get out of the relationship because there are good things yet bad things, sometimes the bad aren’t even big bad things, they are just little things that become a huge problem.

The moment you realize this it can suck, especially if you realize that you have to end it. How do you go about ending it, especially if the person is a sweetheart? In these instances its almost that cliche’ of “its not you, its me” I mean what they are doing may be driving you up the wall but with another person it may not. Or when all of a sudden you have been having a rough time of the relationship and it all of a sudden hits you that it wont work and then that exact moment that you realize it comes into mind of what made you realize it.

I am in a relationship that encompasses all of this. We have been together for a little over a month now and you will be like okay well she is making a big deal out of nothing, it can’t be that serious already. But it is for him. He says he loves me already and I don’t feel the same way. We have almost broken up in the past but he makes such a big deal out of it I stay. It makes me feel entirely trapped in something I don’t want to be in. I am suffocating to death it feels like and I have no way out. Its like I am drowning and can see the sun through the top of the water but I can’t get out no matter how hard I try to swim to the surface.

Wine and tequila don’t mix well together. Thursday night was the night that I realized things weren’t going to work between my boyfriend and I. I think part of me knew that this was going to happen, that it just wasn’t ever going to work because we were to different and he didn’t challenge me in life like I wanted. Thursday we went and had dinner with my grandparents and I was talking about how the first weekend in August I have a National Conference for this organization I started on Iowa State Universities campus and how Madee, my best friend and I would be traveling to North Carolina for the weekend, with all expenses paid. I was so excited and the first thing out of his mouth was, “I have family in the town you will be in I could come visit and stay for the weekend.” I didn’t know this right then, but this was the moment I would come to realize we would never work. He doesn’t trust me and what should be a fun, educational weekend was going to become him trying to take it over when Madee and I would want to explore together.

That night a couple of his friends came up and we went out to the bar and one of my friends went out with me and I was determined to get beyond wasted, which I did. But I tried ending it with him at the end of the night and he through a fit. He is older than me and I have never seen anyone act like that. Well it turned into this huge thing, we are still together. He was drunk so he slept in my bed and DJ and I sat out in the living room and talked about our pasts and life until 5, in the morning. We had that night. Where you realize how similar you are, but I know that for me right now I just want to be single so in May when I graduate I can move where ever I see fit and not be tied down, unless something amazing would come along. Now the Saturday morning I was laying in bed and just realized when I knew it wouldn’t work and we have been at my parents house all weekend so tonight or tomorrow we will be over.

I feel horrible because I hate hurting people and I know he wont take it well. I am worried what he will do or say because he just doesn’t handle it well. Anyways enough about me. But to you out there that have been through this I am sorry. Its hard. If you have advice I am more than willing to hear it.