Guilt That Haunts Me: Skelleton In The Closet

I think the thing I still struggle with and that haunts me would be something related to the very first post I ever posted in my blog.

At the end of my senior year of high school I got pregnant. This was the most devastating thing, besides the fact that the father was extremely abusive. I was going to go to school and do something big with my life. The father had already started to break me, he was mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I slowly became secluded from my family and when I told him I was pregnant it got even worse. (He was a few years older than me)

When he found out I was pregnant it got even worse, when I finally tried to get out of the relationship he would blackmail me and tell me that he would tell my mom because he knew where she worked and I hadn’t told her yet because I didn’t want to ruin my graduation party and stuff because she was so excited. Then after graduation I still didn’t tell her, instead I went to my dads lake house with my best friend Memorial Day weekend so I could avoid my ex-boyfriend (baby father). He called and wouldn’t leave me alone, I was supposed to see him that Monday that I got back but instead my friend and I decided to go to the beach.

That day I finally broke up with him and lied to him by telling him that I had miscarried and that it wasn’t his to begin with. People will think I am a bad person for this but I didn’t know what else to do. I have never cheated in my life and never will but I just didn’t know what to do. He got so mad at me and told me he wouldn’t leave me alone or lose my number because if I was lying he would kill me. My mom finally found out this day and after serious talking we decided I was going to have an abortion.

I didn’t have guilt about lying to him or anything but this choice I have had guilt and struggled with. Cognitive dissonance has been the biggest struggle. My belief was that abortion was completely horrible but it is amazing how that can change when you are put in a situation where you have to decide and way the choices. People will say, “but you had so many options, you didn’t have to have an abortion”. This is true but when weighing everything it just made the most sense. Yes I could have gotten the cops involved with the abuse and when he threatened me but I didn’t. I didn’t want my life to be even more scary and complicated then what it was already. I could have fought for custody but I probably wouldn’t have won and I couldn’t afford it. I could have tried adoption but he never would have signed his rights away, or I could have stayed and if something had happened to our child I never would have forgiven myself. It was a tough choice, I didn’t agree with it and struggled greatly, I had names picked out and everything and just didn’t know what to do.

It took 2 and a half years before I even started healing from the choice I made and that is because of a mentor (professor) I met in college that helped me a lot. I still don’t think abortion should be used as a form of birth control, especially for those girls who just get pregnant over and over again. You need to be held responsible for your choices. But there are cases where it may be used. I struggled with feeling like a murderer and everything but now three years later I am becoming okay, I still struggle but it is a work in progress. I still have questions and wonder where I would be and all of that now. I worry that when I do have children that because of struggling mentally over the abortion that I will struggle with depression or something.

But I am sorry if this offends anybody but it is guilt.

Daily Prompt

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