“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.” – Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What On Earth am I here for?
My past is a part of me and I will not be imprisoned by it! I have made the choices I have made and not all of them were the smartest or the most wise but I have healed, learned, and am working on moving forward. I am not the same girl that I once was all those years ago. It may have take a lot of struggles and even more hardships but I am here. I am a girl near graduating college who once thought she wouldn’t and who knows what she wants in life. If I were to hide my past and let it control who I am I would not be nearly as effective or passionate about what I want to do in my life.
Like I have said in previous posts my mother, while supportive of the abortion thinks of it as a deep, dark secret, that nobody should ever know. She thinks she is protecting me by making this clear as day but all she is really doing is making me feel like I should be ashamed of who I once was. I got into an abusive relationship, he threatened my life, she asked if I wanted an abortion and at that moment I did and I went through it but I don’t think I really wanted it. I can’t let that eat at me or some day when I have children who knows how it will effect me.
Abortion, the word of anger, hatred, judgment, disbelief, and the darkest secret I hold.
In the past couple of weeks a few of my blog posts have had to do over this topic and its because some how it keeps getting brought up. I started seeing someone new and he came home to meet my family this weekend. Well this morning my mom and I were sitting upstairs talking and I had asked her opinion of him and all that, which was very good. She absolutely loves him, which makes me happy because I love him. Well then we are sitting in the chairs up in the more formal living room and she looks at me and asks if I had heard anything about the would have been baby daddy. She asked this because the last time I had heard anything it was on Facebook’s, North Iowa Mug Shots page. My sister saw his picture go across and it was for aggravated assault of his spouse at the time. This was when I really knew that I could start healing because now everybody knew that I wasn’t lying about the abuse I had gone through. I said that I hadn’t heard about him at all then she turns and looks at me and asks, ” You don’t tell people that do you”? Well not thinking I asked her what she meant and she just gave me this odd look and I knew she was talking about my abortion. I told her no.
My abortion is a part of me. It is something I went through, something I continue to struggle with sometimes, and just a part of who I am and why I want to do what I do. If it were not for that life event I don’t know if I would be in the major that I actually am in. If someone doesn’t like me for my past, which would be things I have gone through then they probably shouldn’t be in my life as a friend or significant other. Does that make sense? We all have demons, some of us just more than other, more severe then others, or an abundance of not bad demons but they are still there. Some of us are okay with hiding them, but if I hide it, it eats at me. It starts to consume my life. It has taken a lot of work for me to get here but here I am.
So I guess what I am getting at people is if you have had something happen to you, whatever it may be or you have gone through something in which you suffer from cognitive dissonance (the struggle over a choice made), then let go. I know its hard but it can’t consume you. It doesn’t have to be a deep, dark secret. You don’t have to tell people but once you own it and accept it as your own it is amazing how much better you feel about yourself and the progress you can make in healing.