Growing Up

“Don’t you find it odd,” she continued, “that when you’re a kid, everyone, all the world, encourages you to follow your dreams. But when you’re older, somehow they act offended if you even try.”
― Ethan Hawke, The Hottest State

I feel as if the above quote is exactly what I am going through right now in my life with college graduation in May and having to find an internship and something I would love to do. My mom is dampening my spirit and bringing me down. I get that  no mother ever wants their child to grow up and move away, but there is a time in which you have to let your child go and my mom is not allowing that. She hasn’t through my whole college experience and this year I have finally come into my own. I know who I am for the most part and who I want to be in the future. I know some what, what I want to do when I am older and graduate so here in a few months. I know that how I lived in the past is probably not helping because I got myself into some hard places and she had to bail me out of them, but I have done a lot of growing and now that I don’t feel as if I have to call her every day or go home every weekend, she is not handling it well.

I found an internship in South Dakota about a half hour away from my dad. She is throwing a fit because I’d be living with my dad and he hasn’t wanted to help out in the past but now that he wont have to pay bills besides allowing me to eat and for gas he is willing to have me more in his life. I think that this is some what true but I also think that when my parents divorced that because my dad had multiple affairs that she just really never wanted my sister and I to have a very good relationship with him. I don’t think that she has been supportive all these years in trying to let us spend more time with our dad and build that relationship. If we ever tried to build that relationship we always got made to feel like crap and like we were betraying her which is what she has been doing to me since last night.

I am going to visit my dad this weekend in South Dakota to see him, their new home, and to celebrate my twenty-second birthday with him. While I am out there I am going to Wells Spring, an outpatient program for youth to look at a possible internship, which if you have read previous posts you know I have pretty much already gotten. I am going to visit them, talking to a supervisor, get a tour, and some paper work. Maybe I will get there and be like, “this isn’t the place for me” But I think so far I would love it and as long as I am out there why not take the opportunity to visit it? So, out of respect for my mom last night I told her that I planned on visiting and I knew it wouldn’t go well no matter what but I did not expect it to go quite as bad as it did.

I knew that she would be upset and hurt because she wants me to be close to her, even though my brother lives in California (he has always been treated differently and not had things as hard as I have with our mom). Well she went ballistic. Tried to lay the guilt on thick and it worked, it made me really depressed and she hurt me pretty good last night. She wont listen to why I am looking at this place, hasn’t asked about the programs there, or even what it is. She thinks I am doing it for the wrong reasons. Well, let me put here that it is the only place I am looking at in South Dakota, other wise I am looking at two in Minnesota, and a ton here in Iowa. She even just admitted that she didn’t have to have me close to home but if my dad is there she thinks I am doing it for the wrong reason. She told me that she has been the only person ever there for me which isn’t a lie but shouldn’t be held over my head; also made it clear that she has taken out a ton of loans to help me get through college. She made it very clear that I pretty much owe her my happiness and life and where I want to be because she helped me through college.

I am sorry parents but you need to let your child grow up. Live their own life and be free and happy. Yes we will still make mistakes but even if I can get a job there after this internship, if I take it, and I only keep it for two years so I can get experience and then I start looking else where, then why wouldn’t I do that? I shouldn’t feel like I am the worst daughter ever because I want to live my own life and do my own thing. It is a suffocating feeling and she is at the moment ruining our relationship over me growing up. She wont hardly talk to me and when she does it is not nice. I think that at some point one needs to realize you have to let go. I even wrote a very nice thing on her Facebook wall today that said:

“Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them – a mother’s approval, a father’s nod – are covered by moments of their own accomplishments. It is not until much later, as the skin sags and the heart weakens, that children understand; their stories, and all their accomplishments, sit atop the stories of their mothers and fathers, stones upon stones, beneath the waters of their lives.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

I love you mom and I want you to know that no matter where I end up after graduation it is not me running from you but me just further figuring out who I am and being happy with myself and who I have become. If it weren’t for you and everyone else supportive in my life I would not be at this point in my life in which I feel like I can live my life and be myself and get a job I love and want to do for at least a long time if not forever. It is because of my up bringing through you that I have reached this point in my life and I do love you to the moon and back and this much !———————————————————-! Like in the book you used to read me when I was little. I wont live a million miles away but even if I am hours from you, you will always be in my heart and I will always be great full for what you have given me and shown me and all the support. In May I close another Chapter and start another and I hope that you remain just as supportive then as you have been through all of my ups and downs and mistakes and the hours of frustration I have given you over the years. I love you so much mom.

All that got me was a thanks and I still think you aren’t making this for the right choice. She doesn’t care as long as she is happy then why should her almost twenty-two year old be happy and living her life?

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Living With A Stranger

Living with strangers…..good or bad? That is the question.

College has started and I am living in a four bedroom apartment with three girls that I don’t know. Two of them are from Iowa and one is from South Korea. The 3 of us Iowa girls are getting along and we hang out and we really want our roommate from South Korea to spend time with us but if she is home she tends to stay in her room or be with her boyfriend. We are having problems with cleanliness though. Since yesterday at 1 she had left a pot with cooked veggies in it on the stove and when we woke up at eight this morning it was still there. This grosses us out and is not very healthy if she thinks it is safe to put it in the fridge again. It could make her very sick. She has also been flushing stuff down the toilets that shouldn’t go down because it will severely clog them and we have already had to have them cleaned out completely twice and school has only been in session for a week. I was very excited about having an international student as a roommate because I wanted to learn new things about her culture but that is proving to be a limited experience.

The hardest part is the communication barrier. She doesn’t speak much English we don’t think and we just don’t know how to tell her that keeping the kitchen clean and stuff is a biggie, especially if you are leaving food out. We don’t want to get bugs and stuff, but we don’t want to offend her in any way. So advice is welcome on this part.

Other wise classes and work are going well. I am in the process of joining a sorority and everything so it should be a fun year. It is also my senior year.

 

Well I will write again later maybe. I need to do better at writing because even if it is over random stuff it is my outlet so that my depression doesn’t sneak up on me.

 

Have a wonderful day!